Frail

Like staring into a mid-December sun I am as feeble as the light it emits. So long gone from here and that was never my intention. Now, whole chunks of my life remain heartbreakingly treacherous so much so that I can not completely recount them for you.

 I left the blog at a time of an elderly parent’s slide into life threatening critical illness. At the best of times I can barely navigate my own health - there was then hers and the nurses the intensive care the doctors the surgeons the surgeries the infections the blood clots the scans the procedures the nursing home the bills and there in the maelstrom was me – the only child an ocean away trying to orchestrate some sense into madness while remaining too ill to travel.

After this was all to pass it would have perhaps been wise to declare the remainder of the year a holiday but I have never been that kind to myself. I instead enrolled on a four month long meditation intensive. Sound peaceful? It wasn’t always. When the cocoon begins to unravel you begin to see what is there, or not there. At some point you stand naked in atonement and pray for a redemptive state to be found within -  regardless of whether or not you feel you have previously touched the face of God. Everything begins again.

 Thus began where I am…… and my questioning of faith both lost and found. This repeating theme will one day find grounding. Of this I know.

Comments

[Redondowriter]

Susanne, 2008 is a year you will put into the memory box hoping you will not have to suffer the details ever again. I am so sorry that you continue to be frail, but I'm so very glad that you commented and posted on your own blog. Welcome back! Thinking of you. A four month meditation retreat when you were so fragile probably was a little too much silence. The silence often kicks up the chatter in our heads and it can be unmercifully painful. You'll know the right time to try that kind of thing again.

[mm]

Welcome back, dear Susanne. Your journey has bee hard these past months. May the new year bring light and comfort.

[Carol]

Welcome back. I am sorry to read of your stress and troubles of the past year. Being an only child an ocean away, I too can relate the mental anguish that alone can bring.
I wish you peace and strength in the coming year.

[confusiuseoul]

It's all gold. it resonates. it is you. good to see your soul has words yet unsaid.

[Rosalie]

In the bleak midwinter...it is even more difficult to keep one's thoughts bright, especially in the face of chronic illness. We all send our kindest wishes to warm your heart, Susanne. I'm just so happy to hear from you. Remember you have worth and goodness and still so much to offer this old world!

[krissie]

as an only child who faced the very same last year... all I can say is stay strong. It shook me by the very roots but faith, compassion and support of others helped me through the dark lonely days. Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

[Croila]

Susanne, it's so good to hear from you. It sounds trite, but I do hope 2009 is better for you and brings you more peace.

[Margaret]

I'm so sorry that you've had this kind of year and hope that it can only get better in 2009. I'm glad to see you posting!

[josephine]

Oh what an unexpected, but wonderful surprise after stopping by here many times throughout the year, and only silence remained; you have once again returned.
Sorry to hear you have been met with challenges and illness, I wish for you a better 2009.

[ici]

It is never as we think it will be. Your sharing brings joy and the quick intake of breath. Your photos are a visual record of your journey. Thank you for returning...

[cusp]

So glad you've found strength and time to leave a post after so long.

I'm an only child too and was never able to do what I needed and wanted to do for my mother when she was dying because of my own health issues so you have all my empathy and concern.

I do hope the coming year will be kind to you and you will find it easier to be kind to yourself.

I look forward to another post when you feel able

[Diane]

I am echoing what has already been said by others. So glad to see you post,but I am sorry to read about the anguish over your parent's illness. I wish you a better 2009.

[Account Deleted]

Seeing your candle in the window was a joy to me. My thoughts have no words, but my heart is with you. I wish physical strength were a pie and I could give you a slice of mine, (I being lucky at this particular moment).

Take care, Susanne,
Beth

[Rosane]

Hi Susanne,

Your words express such honest emotions, that I find myself experiencing some guilt over enjoying reading them. I do wish a more peaceful, joyous and healthy new year for you.

Take care,

Rosane.

[Maura Manuel]

The joy of finding you here again tempered with unhapiness at what you have been through. I join others in wishing you a better, brighter and healthier 2009.

[Karen Anne]

Peace be with you, Susanne.
Peace,and healing grace.
Karen Anne

[MICHAEL MANNING]

Stopped by to say Hello and All Best! :D

[Holiday Cottages Pembroke]

I hope you get better soon.

[dyfed]

"Take courage, my daughter" Matthew chapter 9
This woman only touched the hem of Christ's tunic yet because of her faith (one could say her willingness to stand soul-naked before him) she found that redemptive state within, as you call it.

God give you strength for each day.

[Rosane]

I hope you're well. :)

Rosane.

[hwylo]

for you,

"ffyd,gobaith, cariad pur a hedd
a phob rhyw nefol fraint."

[Cathy]

Hope all is well with you, i do miss you.

[Rosane]

Me too.

[Carolyn Cullen]

Sitting at the computer at 5:30 in the morning unable to sleep from the neverending thoughts of dispair from my husbands sudden diagnosis of fourth stage esophagus cancer I happened upon your blog and realized my pain is not alone. I feel even more saddened by the realization that I can take comfort in your misery, I too are questioning and believing in my faith both at the same time. Your blog was a great comfort to me.

[beth]

Wondering where and how you are in your journey this December, and hoping these intervening months have brought you some peace.

[Maura Manuel]

Susanne, I stopped by in the hope that you had posted. Hoping for better news of your 2009,hoping for better news of your health and spirit, longing to hear of your life and your cats, longing to see your wonderful photographs and thoughts, Christmas Day is not yet over but always remember that others hold you in their hearts.

[Don McGinnes]

Greetings Susanne,You dont know me but I stumbled across your blog somehow and was curious to see so many similarities between us.I do hope that you are well,I see that you havent posted for some time. I also have cfs/me and was diagnosed a few months ago.Your reading material could well be on my book shelf too.My experiences in this life compare as well with taoism/budism and various other belief systems.Meditation was a daily activity for 10 years,this was over 10 years ago. I now am satisfied to just be myself as who and what I am here and now........Ps not trying to make you jealous but ive been to Santiago de Compostella on a most auspicious day in May 2004.Best wishes for 2010 Don...

[Rosane]

I hope you're well and miss your words. Just wanted to let you know that.

Rosane.