I can’t bear to look at the previous entries here; to reread them would bring too much grief because I don’t know who wrote them. I mean, for sure it was me but not the me who is here and now. The woman who wrote these entries is gone. I don’t think she will be back.
posting I was picking up after an intensive meditation course. There were some
moments of both questions and brilliance afterwards. But I had also begun to
withdraw from a pharmaceutical medication which I now refer to as “the drug
from hell”. I was told that if I did not come off it I could die. I was told
that coming off it could also be life threatening. Either way I had to come off
it. For the next 8 months I damned the useless German doctor in
For the next 8 months I suffered through a nightmare of withdrawal that I can not explain to you unless you have lived in hell. And now, more than 6 months later, I am living with the damage of the withdrawal. I am not who I once was. I am not sure that I like the woman who has emerged. I have yet to make friends with her and I’m not sure I really want to be friends with her yet. She is difficult and sometimes very angry.
I have learnt new words though, like myoclonus. I have learnt that the brain will try to heal but not all damage can heal. I learnt that if I don’t line the edges of my bed with pillows that with the twitching, spasms and jerking I will at some point during the night end up on the floor. I have learnt to make friends with anticonvulsants.
I have learnt that if you tell people you are struggling with a brain disorder they tend to avoid you. I have learnt that I now fall over, a lot. I have learnt that I can find my self sobbing profoundly without advance notice and not know why. I have learnt that my spine is not being ripped out through my skin, it only feels that way. I have learnt that I can swing between here and hell within the space of a minute.
I have learnt that I have no place in my life for bullies or others who belittle, use, abuse, misuse, order, demand, demean, disrespect, or think they own me. I have learnt that finding this empowerment meant I lost many people. I know most of them are still shocked at how quickly they were jettisoned from my life. As I said before this woman emerging is difficult. But she also knows there is no time left for nonsense.
I don’t know what will happen to the blog. It seems so alien and foreign right now. I do know that I need to spend time learning how to live from here on out. As for the rest? I don’t know.