I can’t bear to look at the previous entries here; to reread them would bring too much grief because I don’t know who wrote them. I mean, for sure it was me but not the me who is here and now. The woman who wrote these entries is gone. I don’t know when she will be back.
At last posting I was picking up after an intensive meditation course. There were some moments of both questions and brilliance afterwards. But I had also begun to withdraw from a pharmaceutical medication which I now refer to as “the drug from hell”. I was told that if I did not come off it I could die. I was told that coming off it could also be life threatening. Either way I had to come off it. For the next 8 months I damned the useless German doctor in Regensburg who put me on it after the septicaemia in 2001. I damned myself as well as to be so stupid as to blindly trust a doctor.
For the next 8 months I suffered through a nightmare of withdrawal that I can not explain to you unless you have lived in hell. And now, more than 6 months later, I am still living it. I am not who I once was. I am not sure that I like the woman who has emerged. I have yet to make friends with her and I’m not sure I really want to be friends with her yet. She is difficult and sometimes very angry.
I had to learn new words though, like myoclonus. I had to learn that the brain will try to heal. I learnt that if I didn't line the edges of my bed with pillows, that for a time, at some point during the night I could end up on the floor. Will this change, eventually yes I believe it will.
I have learnt that if you tell people why you are struggling they tend to avoid you. I have learnt that I can find my self sobbing profoundly without advance notice and not know why. I have learnt that my spine is not being ripped out through my skin, it only feels that way. I have learnt that I can swing between here and hell within the space of a minute.
Will this change? Yes, I believe it will, eventually. Meanwhile, I don’t know what will happen to the blog. It seems so alien and foreign right now. I do know that I need to spend time learning how to live from here on out. As for the rest? I don’t know.