The few posting I’ve been able to make here this year are another signpost of just how absent my energy has been. I’m not up for much. It’s taken a week to put up a small Christmas tree and even that is not completely decorated and I doubt it will be finished before it’s time to take it down. Even a year ago I would have rushed, or tried to rush, to have the flat decorated for Christmas and the fridge stocked for the holidays. Now I know I’m not going to finish even half of what I set out to. Oddly, I am at peace with this.
This autumn I became acutely aware of just how little energy I have left and how little time I have left to spend it. For some reason in accepting the limited I’ve had a glimpse of the limitless. I made changes, positive ones. Some of the changes I know have come as a surprise or shock to people in my daily life. But to those in my circle, to those who have really been listening to me over the past year, they understood, applauded and accepted the changes. But not everyone heard me and some continued to demand my time or energy even after I said I have nothing left in me to give you.
If I have nothing left in me how can I give to others? That makes sense, doesn’t it? Even this replenishment of self is part of process, a healing process and a return to flow. Why do we spend so much of our lives struggling against flow? Trying to do more and be more so our lives have “purpose” when really, our only purpose is to simply be ourselves. And right now who I am is a woman who is disabled who is working on being healthy. Reality is far from perfect but as I am learning: healthy does not necessarily mean physically cured of disease. Even this has become a positive touchstone in my life.
There are a great many positive touchstones in my life at the present. In each moment, by day and by night, I find myself immensely happy and celebrating being here. However, “here” doesn’t look like it once did, nor how I ever imagined it would look – but then I never imagined things could be this good. Funny how that works, isn’t it.