At Year's End

The few posting I’ve been able to make here this year are another signpost of just how absent my energy has been. I’m not up for much. It’s taken a week to put up a small Christmas tree and even that is not completely decorated and I doubt it will be finished before it’s time to take it down. Even a year ago I would have rushed, or tried to rush, to have the flat decorated for Christmas and the fridge stocked for the holidays. Now I know I’m not going to finish even half of what I set out to. Oddly, I am at peace with this.

This autumn I became acutely aware of just how little energy I have left and how little time I have left to spend it. For some reason in accepting the limited I’ve had a glimpse of the limitless. I made changes, positive ones. Some of the changes I know have come as a surprise or shock to people in my daily life. But to those in my circle, to those who have really been listening to me over the past year, they understood, applauded and accepted the changes. But not everyone heard me and some continued to demand my time or energy even after I said I have nothing left in me to give you.

If I have nothing left in me how can I give to others? That makes sense, doesn’t it? Even this replenishment of self is part of process, a healing process and a return to flow. Why do we spend so much of our lives struggling against flow? Trying to do more and be more so our lives have “purpose” when really, our only purpose is to simply be ourselves. And right now who I am is a woman who is disabled who is working on being healthy. Reality is far from perfect but as I am learning: healthy does not necessarily mean physically cured of disease. Even this has become a positive touchstone in my life.

There are a great many positive touchstones in my life at the present. In each moment, by day and by night, I find myself immensely happy and celebrating being here. However, “here” doesn’t look like it once did, nor how I ever imagined it would look – but then I never imagined things could be this good. Funny how that works, isn’t it.

Comments

[Rosane]

Hi Susanne,

When, for whatever reason, you don't post anymore, I will miss you.

Struggling against the flow has become a way of life for me. I would say it was not by my choosing, but I won't. That would be too much of lame excuse. With very few exceptions, I mostly had a chance at making choices. It's just that either because of naivete or stupidity, or both, I chose to stay the course. There are many blessings in my life. I am losing sight of them, minute by minute. This past year has been the most stressful since my parents died, about 19 years ago. I'm hoping for less stressful times in about 2 years.

Take care. I hope you heal. I'm glad you feel a sense of peace. I've always felt that and it carried me. It's very faint now, but I know it will roar again.

Rosane.

[Daisy-Winifred]

Oh you really couldn't sleep after Cranford could you:0)

Touchstones are such beautiful objects to find in a life but don't get too mesmorised and join the girls falling off the back of the settee.

May the days ahead be made of many moments spent in the present and the present is the moment of being in it.

In the moment you may find you have little energy left but gloriously another moment arrives on the breath and infinity is touched. In the finite is found the infinite but taking a moment doesn't find it .... being in it does.

By the way the tree is complete in itself so any additional decorations are a bonus to it and you so it's always complete in its decoration:0)

Setting out can often be so much more invigorating than arriving what a gift to be the person who knows the setting out is often all one may be able to attend to.

[Fran aka Redondowriter]

Illness is one way to force us into the present moment, but it is not an option I like for you, or for anyone. I'm sorry to hear you are not bouncing back; I had high hopes. When I got your comment at S.O., I immediately clicked your blog and you had posted. And you still use your camera like a spiritual pro. Merry Christmas, Susanne. I hope your new regimen slowly replenishes you in 2008.

Love, Fran aka Redondowriter

[mm]

Thinking of you Susanne, on the other side of those hills and not all that far away. May touchstones surround you. Merry Christmas.

[Sandra]

It's a waste of time to try and "make" people understand when they don't/won't understand. Why bother? There's no Christmas tree at my house...but there are Nativity scenes in several rooms. The gifts aren't wrapped...but the can be stuffed into a stocking. I didn't prepare a traditional meal...but we have lovely cheese, crackers, sausage and a tempting Merlot. We've helped prepare Christmas for others and have found Christmas for ourselves. Christmas isn't about the doing; it's about the being.

Merry, Happy Christmas.

[Rosalie]

Happy New Year, Susanne! Hope 2008 brings healing and happiness to you. Your true friends will understand your limitations and support and encourage you on your journey. I just love this latest photo...don't know if it's sunrise or sunset, but the sun low in the sky, giving it's first or last bit of light and warmth, is always my favorite. Sending warm thoughts from sunny (at the moment) California!

[Diane]

I discovered your blog through a another blog. I spent last night reading every one of your posts, mezmerized by your words and beautiful photography. Your blog is such a wonderful work of art. Thanks for sharing with the world your inner world. I admire your courage/strength of dealing with an illness and taking time to capture those feelings. On this last day of 2007, may 2008 be a peaceful/creative year for you.
Bloomington,Indiana

[Lynn]

At year's end, the promise of a new beginning is wished for you.

[MICHAEL MANNING]

Nice to read your post. One must allow healing and "low key" days to build up energy and be able to be in a place to be able to Blog. From the comments here, you are certainly not forgotten! Take your time and be well:)

[MICHAEL MANNING]

Nice to read your post. One must allow healing and "low key" days to build up energy and be able to be in a place to be able to Blog. From the comments here, you are certainly not forgotten! Take your time and be well:)

[MICHAEL MANNING]

Nice to read your post. One must allow healing and "low key" days to build up energy and be able to be in a place to be able to Blog. From the comments here, you are certainly not forgotten! Take your time and be well:)

[MICHAEL MANNING]

HI! Stop over for a visit! It'll perk you up!!! :D

[sintellner]

Hope you have enough energy to take in the season's change.

[MICHAEL MANNING]

I FOR ONE MISS YOUR COMMENTS! :) PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE THOUGHT ABOUT !!!!

[MICHAEL MANNING]

I FOR ONE MISS YOUR COMMENTS! :) PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE THOUGHT ABOUT !!!!

[MICHAEL MANNING]

Suzanne: Another week has gone by! As Clint Eastwood said in "Joe Kidd", "Your friends are calling you!" :D

[Rosane]

I miss you.

[Middle-Man of Zion]

one of my favorite blogs

[Middle-Man of Zion]

one of my favorite blogs

[yvonne]

Hi, Susanne

We're thinking of you - hang in there, dear.

[jprichard]

Remember the gold? rarely does it have to glimmer, only resonate. it is your creation- it preserves your hourney, even when you thought you had forgotten.